SUPERMARKET SOUND OFF

There's the old adage never go to the supermarket hungry. Likewise, never go to the supermarket in a bad mood.
Cell phones. Why are women compelled to do the blah, blah, blah in the market? It's one thing to check if it's eggs or milk that's needed at home. It's another thing to do your gossiping in gory detail while strolling impossibly slow through the middle of the aisle. I thought I was impatient with sluggish drivers on the road but this is worse and carts have no horns to honk.
Just as bad are the offenders that deposit themselves in the middle of the produce section. Clearly they can't walk and talk at the same time. They are better at blocking the action than the Patriots' defensive line and they glare at me because I want access to the brussel sprouts. Take your conversation outside. Please.
Samples. The line-up for processed and previously frozen "food" baffles me. They are petri dishes of bacteria. People touch one and take another. They cough, sneeze, hack and drool over the platter. Don't let those rubber gloves the server wears fool you into thinking it's sanitary.
Speaking of bacteria, here's a not-so-fun-fact: There is more e-coli on the handle of the cart than there is on a public toilet so don't pass on those complimentary wipes.
Kids and temper tantrums. Can't the parents control them with words and discipline? I was tempted yesterday to rip open a box of Fruit Loops and pour them on the kicking kid. Had I been so inclined I wouldn't have forgotten the milk either.
I don't mind dogs on leashes in markets but what's with kids on leashes? Have you ever noticed they are always the ugliest kids? The least likely targets? Okay, okay no stranger danger jokes.
Some things do amuse me. Ten years ago it was low fat snacks that crammed the shelves. Food that wasn't good for you anyway, like Goldfish, was flying off the shelves because they said low fat. They were not low calorie but who was counting? Now it is fiber this fiber that. Fiber cookies, fiber yogurt, fiber chips and fiber pancakes? May I suggest an apple instead?
Checking out. It kinda goes with the territory that you will wait in line. No amount of toe tapping, sighing or jamming the cart into the shopper in front of you will change that. My solution to those heel-clippers is simple. When the amount is totaled, I start rifling through my purse. "Oops. Seems I forgot my ATM card. Just wait a minute I'll use a check. " Then slowly, very slowly, I write the check. I take my time entering the information on the register. When I hand the check to the clerk I declare, "Sorry. I don't have any I.D. Will you have to call the manager?"
It's the ultimate supermarket revenge. You get bonus points if the person behind you starts grabbing their items off the belt and changes lanes in a huff.
Finally, the parking lot. I'm all for handicapped parking. I'd like to add designated spaces for senior citizens and mothers with young children. So why is it that the people that need the most exercise, or those that are young and able-bodied, are generally the ones that stalk for the closest spaces and refuse to return their carts?
End of rant. I need a yoga class.